Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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