no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He passed out mid-signature
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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