Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
