she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
His nipple licking is glorious
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