that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
