i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
