Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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