ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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