I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
