I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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