WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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