Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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