I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I have fence marks all over my body
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
