I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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