If i need to get strippers involved i will.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
