so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
We smell like vodka and hangover
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