here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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