fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
In other news, I just burned my penis
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
