I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
