my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
