My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize