i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
