My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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