and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
