if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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