so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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