I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
My pussy is not your playground.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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