did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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