Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
