My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Sext me about skeletons
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
