good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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