Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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