i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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