Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
