If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
