there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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