i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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