Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
