literally had 100 drinks last night.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
