Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
