i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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