I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
