i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
