jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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