I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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