i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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