my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Is it because I queefed?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
