I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
