We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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