and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize