I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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