I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
