HIV tests are more positive than that guy
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize
