what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
