she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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