I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
