ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
