I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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